When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
