i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
