theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
