I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
