My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
