If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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