A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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