I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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