i already hear my dad disowning me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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