I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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