you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
