dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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