Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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