I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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