Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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