That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
