my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
