I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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