I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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