My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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