mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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