i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
