My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
