Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
