i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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