he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
