i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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