And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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