so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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