please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
