I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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