I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
