My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
