im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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