don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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