Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
