My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
