i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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