my vag is so smooth its legendary
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
