you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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