Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
