I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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