when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
