i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
