My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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