Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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