Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
