i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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