she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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