There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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