My brain says no but my pants say off.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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