I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
