Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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