you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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