You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
