I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
