I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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